if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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