We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
