So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
