New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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