It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
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Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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