why didn't you poke me back
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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