theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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