If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
