pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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