God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The struggles of a small town man whore
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
