i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
