She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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