i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
