I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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