my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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