i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
