I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
