90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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