we have pet lesbian snakes
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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