I cannot find my penis.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
