I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Randomize
