I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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