My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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