I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
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Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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