i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
