I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles