I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
