You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
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Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
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WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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