Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
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I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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