Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
