I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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