if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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