I wish my penis had an off switch
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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