I'm gonna have a badass scar
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I will pee on everything he values.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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