I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
