I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
