He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize