boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
