Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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