i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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