I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My pussy is not your playground.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
