did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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