Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You left your underwear on the fireplace
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
