My Higher Power is John Stamos
apparently the secret to your success is patron
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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