how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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