You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
