So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
