the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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