fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My vagina is officially offended.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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