Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize