Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
