Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
In other news, I just burned my penis
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
