i will soon be in a relationship on fb
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."