I accidentally had phone sex last night
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
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I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
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its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter